no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize