I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The best revenge is premature balding
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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