Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well I just put wine in my tea
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
