He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
