I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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