There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
