dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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