It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
