Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
false alarm. still invincible.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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