I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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