Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
