she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
