i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
