The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize