I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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