i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
