Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
