woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
