I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
