If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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