I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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