don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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