Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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