Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
