My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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