don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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