Sry I called you an 8
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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