i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Is it because I queefed?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
