I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
