he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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