I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
