You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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