Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
