i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
