You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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