I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
