I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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