Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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