We're like a lot better than the average bears
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
