I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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