I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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