I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm too high and old for this...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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