I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize