I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
