Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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