but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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