Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
