plz talk dirty to me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
