Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
