soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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