1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
