when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dick has a subreddit
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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