the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
