hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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