my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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