I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
