I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize