I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dignity is for republicans.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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