My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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