Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
