There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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