I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
